Emotional Insecurity Help

by Mark I Myhre on July 29, 2013

 

emotional insecurityWhile the phrase – emotional insecurity – may seem to indicate a person who’s unable to feel the emotional experience of security, in reality it goes much deeper than that.

The term usually refers to someone who seems to be scared and worried and perhaps needy and clingy. But if it were merely a function of not feeling secure, then you could just start practicing ‘letting in the energy of security’.

By creating your own little visualization technique:

Imagine what the energy of security looks like to you, then spend the time to focus on it as much as you can throughout the day. Imagine the color of security, the texture of security, the shape, the size, the feel, the smell, the voice. Imagine the voice of security.

Security does have a voice, you know. And it’s beautiful… ineffable. And that little technique I just mentioned does have the power to change your life. If… IF… you have a solid emotional foundation to stand on.

Work on your emotional foundation first. Then, feeling security, or feeling anything else, for that matter, will be a piece of cake.

Emotional insecurity is almost always rooted in childhood. None of us, unfortunately, were taught how to feel our feelings when we were growing up. Quite the contrary, in fact. We were taught and conditioned to not feel.

We learned at an early age that we better stuff down what we truly were feeling. Shutting down became a survival mechanism. And now, as grownups, we still have that mechanism in place.

When we started stuffing our feelings, it eventually led to various outcomes. Anxiety and depression are two obvious examples. Emotional insecurity is another.

Emotional insecurity equals emotional immaturity. I’m not saying you are immature if you experience emotional insecurity. Rather, I am referring to your relationship with your emotions.

Emotional insecurity involves a childlike response to emotion. It’s not bad, it’s not judgmental, it’s not an indictment… it’s just a survival mechanism that’s still in place today, many years later.

Sucking your thumb as a child could be considered a coping mechanism. It’s not evil… it doesn’t mean you’re stupid or unevolved or mentally ill… it’s just a way to cope. And because it’s a physical act, others see it. So, you have to stop doing it sooner or later, whether you want to or not.

But with emotional insecurity, no one can see it. Therefore, you have no motivation to stop. Plus, you may not even understand the basic problem:

“I don’t have a working knowledge of emotions so I try to manipulate and control them.”

Now if you really look at it, you’ll realize many, many people have this problem. Sometimes it manifests as feeling insecure, but most of the time, those feelings are hidden so well that no one ever notices. You see?

Feeling insecure is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to emotional insecurity.

I had a severe case of emotional insecurity most of my life, but I doubt anyone had the slightest idea of what I was going through, because I was able to hide it. Perhaps those around me thought I was weird, or neurotic (which I was!) but also, I constantly fought off my inner demons of emotional insecurity.

I didn’t understand my emotions, I didn’t recognize their value, and I didn’t want to feel. I wanted to be dispassionate, like Spock on Star Trek. I thought that was the best way to go through life.

But I had a painful splinter in my heart that kept growing and growing. The unfelt, unrecognized, unacknowledged emotional energy kept growing larger and larger. More and more, life became a quest to escape from myself. I obsessed with running away.

Finally, I ran out of room to run. I became trapped. I thought I had to fight my way out, but really, I had been running from myself, so there was no need to fight. Slowly, slowly, I realized it was safe to feel. I realized I am safe enough to feel afraid.

Feeling fear is not the problem. The problem came from all those stories I told myself about what it means to feel fear.

“If I’m scared that means something really bad is about to happen.”

I created an ‘outside authority’ to run from. A mythical beast which existed only in my own imagination.

I took my authorship – my energy of authority – and placed it out in the illusion.

I disavowed my power, pretending I didn’t have any, pretending others had the power, not me.

And I ended up with an extreme case of emotional insecurity. Panic ensued. Anxiety, my constant companion. Depression, despair, despondency… righteous hurt, righteous anger, and a rage that always threatened to explode in my face. Guilt and shame. All this and more became my reality. All because I didn’t have a working knowledge of emotions, so I tried to manipulate and control them instead.

So what did I do to change?

Looking at it from the big picture, I decided to create a new relationship with my emotions. I stopped seeing them as the enemy… I stopped trying to push them away, and embraced them instead.

I realized that drama and melodrama and ranting and raving and acting like a puppet on a string has nothing to do with feeling emotions.

I separated the energy of my emotions from my stories about my emotions.

I gave myself permission to feel. I allowed myself to feel. I was willing to feel.

I asked for help from above.

I realized there were parts of me who had a vested interest in me not feeling. And I divested from those parts.

These were the ‘big picture’ steps I took. Obviously, each of these steps rate an article or two of their own. For now, I just want to get the steps out there so you’ll at least know what I did, if you’re interested.

Once I started taking these actions, (and they will always be a work in progress) then I was able to look at my life and realize I still wasn’t feeling much security. But from a solid foundation – from a healthy relationship with my emotions in general – then it was easy to start feeling secure.

I started with the visualization exercise I mentioned at the beginning of this page. I let my imagination and my subconscious come up with the images of security. Then, I focused on those images. After some practice, it became a simple matter of just choosing to feel secure whenever I happened to think about it… such as, any time I happened to not be feeling secure.

And that, my friend, is how I ended my emotional insecurity. Not that I always feel secure now, but I can feel secure anytime I choose. (Almost!)

It’s not perfect. It’s not black-and-white. And it’s not absolute. Rather, it’s a knowing that no matter what life throws at me… no matter what emotions or fears come up… no matter how much I get thrown off my game… I’m going to be just fine. Things will work out.

And that peace of mind is plenty good enough for me.

Finally, please click on one of the brightly-colored links below to share this article on your favorite social media site. Or leave a comment. That way I won’t feel insecure…

 



{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Sean Kilkenny July 29, 2013 at 1:10 pm

Hi Mark,

I’m always interested to know “how you did it”. To get a glimpse of that piece of the map which worked for you. It’s an inspiration to know that it can be done and knowing how you did it – became enlightened in this particular area of emotional security – makes me feel that if you can do it, so can I.

Thank you for sharing.

Reply

Raj August 8, 2013 at 4:37 pm

This is the best part of articles that he write,they are full of guidance and nonetheless he himself has gone through the worst phase of emotional problems,he assures that it’ll work for you too as he himself has tackled them successfully,he wants to tell us that he’s just one of us,and he is so grown up enough to help others in perfect way.

Reply

Dale Jackman July 29, 2013 at 8:55 pm

Hi Mark,

I also love to hear how you healed yourself, and find it enormously inspirational and admirable.

Reply

Mark I Myhre August 21, 2013 at 4:13 pm

One more thing I forgot to mention in the article – and that is TRUST.

This it big:

I learned to trust that whatever I was feeling, it was okay. Because if I am truly FEELING, then no matter what I’m going through, it will change. It might be tough in the moment, but when I am in touch with my feelings, then I am in a flow. When I am in the flow, then I don’t get stuck in whatever I’m going through right now.

I learned to trust the process of feeling.

Reply

rosemary July 31, 2013 at 10:26 am

If only it were as simple as you write it?
its a losing battle!

Reply

Mark I Myhre August 21, 2013 at 4:30 pm

Hi Rosemary,

actually, it wasn’t that easy. But it is doable.

I banged my head against the wall quite a bit.

One thing that helps is to be able to step back and look at the big picture. Meaning, can you get an image of your situation?

You use the example of a losing battle. Okay. Let’s work with that image. See yourself fighting, and you seem to be losing. Make it as real as possible. Then, step back from the small picture, and see that the tide is turning.

How?

Whatever makes sense to you! For me, it would be an image of me growing and the ‘enemy’ shrinking.

You see? Start with the current image, and completely turn it around into an empowering image. Just like a clever TV commercial.

If you have the power to create your current image of a losing battle, then you also have the power to create a new twist on that image, that turns it around in your favor.

Then it simply becomes a matter of practice and repetition. Whenever you get the image of a losing battle, simply add to it, so that it becomes a winning battle.

Another, perhaps more important visual aid, is to look closely at who or what you are doing battle with. Who are you fighting? Why are you fighting?

The more clearly you can see and understand your opponent, the easier it will be to triumph over it.

Reply

Caroline August 5, 2013 at 12:31 am

You are such an inspiration! Our thoughts are our own worst enemy is so true. Thank you for making the huge scary monster seem a little smaller…

Reply

Mark I Myhre August 21, 2013 at 4:32 pm

Thanks, Caroline. I’ve dealt with my share of scary monsters, and in every single case, I realized it was just some errant part of me who needed more love and more healing.

Even when it seemed like it was coming from another person.

Reply

Ale December 25, 2013 at 5:36 pm

Oh! I would never imagine someone being able to express in words the way I have been feeling for so long, you described to all details all the feelings, emotions.
I am stunned and hopeful this article will help me make a change in my life.
Thanks from my heart!

Reply

Mark I Myhre January 1, 2014 at 3:53 pm

thanks, Ale

Reply

Dave December 29, 2013 at 4:55 pm

Mark:

I identified completely with this article. I am constantly at war with my emotions. I complete a task and most of the time quite well but then I replay the emotional scene and do battle with all the participants. I think of anything I could have done better and build it up in my mind. My war is mostly afterwards. My before emotions seem somewhat a normal state of anxiety like anyone who is giving a speech. If anyone disagrees with me I begin an inside emotional argument about why I am right and you are wrong. I should have said this and that at the time. The results of this I think is just a waste of my serenity and quality time. Suggestions?

Reply

Mark I Myhre January 1, 2014 at 4:06 pm

Hi Dave,

from my experience, whenever I engage in that inner war, I always lose!

here’s what helped me:

1. working with my ego

I consider this so important, that I started giving away my product on healing the ego.
You can find it here – http://www.people-healer.com/?page_id=375

2. I found that it was much more fun and much more productive, to FEEL my emotions rather than fight them.

But I would like to respectfully point out, what you’re describing here is not emotion. It’s a negative voice that’s out to tear you down.

3. I found that it was helpful to rebut that negative voice. You see, it’s a tar baby that WANTS to suck you in. You can either get on its level, or you can rebut it with whatever statement works for you. “Yeah, I could have done it better, but

Such as –

‘at least I still love myself.’

‘hey, I’m human, and I’m capable of learning from mistakes.’

‘I forgive myself for it.’

Or, challenge the voice directly –

‘who are you to criticize me?’

‘quit hiding behind me; come out in front so I can look at you.’

the key here is to come up with a good enough rebuttal that it answers the voice

And most important here – realize playing this mental masturbation with yourself is a choice. The question is – why would I choose to engage in this counter productive behavior? Could it be because I’m afraid to FEEL my emotions?

Of course, there’s plenty of other reasons as well…

Reply

Nicole January 24, 2014 at 9:52 am

Very helpful (as usual). Thank you. The suggestion to step back and look at the big picture, and to ask oneself “who/what am I fighting against?” really gives me something to work with. I also always appreciate your gentle, humble, and humorous delivery 🙂 I really can’t say “thank you” enough Mark. Seriously.

Reply

karen June 21, 2014 at 2:42 am

hi Mark….I was WONDERING what happened to you. I used to enjoy reading your stuff along time ago…then it seemed to disapear. Emotional Healing Wizard I think you used to call yourself. I think your stuff is cool.

Reply

shachi December 6, 2014 at 6:10 am

Hi,

Developing your relationship can be rewarding and exciting even though, at times, a bit mysterious. Knowing how to sustain connection, communicate well, and resolve relationship problems is the key to a healthy relationship.

Let me introduce you to PYAR – Prepare Yourself for an Adjusting Relationship

PYAR program is designed for ALL couples. It is aimed at creating a deeper awareness and bringing more joy and happiness in your relationship. If you are just doing well with your relationship, this workshop will provide you with insights and tools to make it more exiting and meaningful. If your relationship is distressed, this workshop will provide a road map for repair.

Reply

Alice July 9, 2015 at 3:01 pm

I’m printing this out and it’s going with me to my visit with the counselor.

Reply

Leave a Comment

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: