If you find yourself getting anxious, worried, or nervous about anything your partner does or says, that’s a good indicator of emotional abuse.
If you find yourself getting tense around your partner on a regular basis, that’s a good sign of emotional abuse.
If you have to be careful about what you say or do around your partner, that’s another indicator you’re dealing with emotional abuse.
But the real test is how you feel. Are you loved and supported, or are you demeaned and criticized and controlled and manipulated?
Here’s another test: Step back from your current situation and ask yourself, would you want someone you love to be in your shoes?
Keep in mind, emotional abuse occurs on a sliding scale. In very mild cases, you may only feel somewhat manipulated, and you can almost laugh it off. On the other extreme, you may feel isolated, scared, trapped, with nowhere to go, and fearful for your safety, if not your life.
These extreme cases usually involve an overbearing, controlling, and extremely angry partner. Often, your self esteem and confidence are shattered.
Little boys are usually taught to stand up to a bully. As a grownup, it’s rarely that simple. Standing up to a hard-core bully, even if you dared, may prove disastrous. So much of emotional abuse carries with it the threat of physical abuse. Or, the threat of physical actions that would cause harm in other ways.
The first step to ending emotional abuse involves an honest assessment of your situation. Which is easier said than done, by the way.
Emotional abuse almost always starts early in life. If you’re dealing with this problem now, then quite likely it started before your conscious mind had even developed. In other words, before you had conscious memory of it.
And even a seemingly normal childhood could be quietly creating a tinder bed of potential future abuse. Like a dry forest, nothing seems amiss until a spark (the present relationship) sets off a devastating blaze. The point is, you don’t always see the build-up that leads to future problems.
Due to childhood factors – known or unknown – our view of what’s normal becomes skewed. Yelling, chaos, uncertainty… or worse… seems normal because that’s what we knew growing up. Maybe it’s all we knew.
And now, years later, I get on the internet and search for an ‘emotional abuse test’ because I’m really not sure if what I’m going through qualifies as emotional abuse…
Let me put it this way: if you’re even wondering if you’re going through emotional abuse, then you probably are.
Anyway, back to the honest assessment…
Since the energy of abuse often starts before your conscious mind developed, that means your perspective of what’s normal can be shifted, and it also means this energy is firmly entrenched in your subconscious mind. And you can end up believing ‘love means you get abused’. That’s what love is. That’s what love becomes.
You get yourself to believe the abuser loves you. You end up believing they will change, or that you can get them to change. All of these factors can greatly hinder your honest appraisal of your current situation.
See, there’s a reason why people stay in abusive relationships, and why they create it so it’s almost impossible to get out. It goes back to childhood… and the inner child.
The abused child tends to go back to the abuser to try to ‘make it right’. They feel flawed and defective, and they feel the only way to heal themselves is if the abuser somehow fixes them.
As you might imagine, that’s impossible. However, the urge is strong. Deeply rooted in the subconscious. No matter what friends and family say, they’re seldom a match for this deep urge to stay with or return to the abuser, so that the abuser can somehow make everything right… if they’ll just change and stop abusing you.
And love you like you ‘really know’ they do.
This deep-seated, subconscious urge makes it very difficult to objectively assess your situation. It clouds your vision. It makes you uncertain. You doubt, and wonder. The well-meaning voices from those who really do care seem distant. It’s like they’re talking from a long ways away. They can’t break through.
Are you seeing the problem here? Can you see how a smart and prudent person would find themselves in a dumb and self-destructive position?
Can you see the critical need for an honest assessment? And why it’s so hard to do? Can you see that it’s not so much about taking an emotional abuse test, but more a matter of opening up your eyes and ears?
Let’s take a look at what a healthy relationship entails.
The relationship itself has a resonance. It becomes like an entity unto itself. There’s you, there’s the other person, and then there’s the relationship. You and your partner have created a separate entity – a living breathing energy called relationship.
So there’s three of you; it’s not just you and the other person. There’s a third party. How you respond to this third party – this relationship – is more important than how you respond to the other person.
Get a sense of the resonance of your relationship. Imagine it. Feel it. Sense it.
Does the resonance of your relationship support you and help you feel safe? When you think of your relationship, does it give you a warm feeling inside? Is it like an island of security in a world of uncertainty?
A healthy relationship makes you feel warm and safe and loved. An unhealthy relationship doesn’t. A healthy relationship feeds you and nourishes you and provides comfort. An unhealthy relationship drains you and takes from you, and makes you feel alone.
When you think about it, a healthy relationship is a rare bird indeed. It may seem out of reach, but I’m going to tell you how to start developing one right now, today.
Start Building A Healthy Relationship Today
Let’s say you’ve evaluated your situation, and determined it’s not good… it’s not healthy. I am being abused, but I feel trapped. I don’t see an easy way out. And I’m willing to stop believing that if I just try harder, things will be all right.
Good. The solution involves developing a healthy relationship with yourself first, so you can then take concrete, positive action to lift yourself out of the current unhealthy relationship you’re in now. You job is to ‘rise above’. And if the other person can rise with you, great. If not, well…
A healthy relationship with yourself. Why? Because if you don’t change yourself first, then you’re likely to stay in the cycle of abuse.
A lot could be said about your relationship with yourself; too much for one short article. So we’ll focus on just two factors: why you might resist it, and an easy way to get started.
First, the resistance. Many people discount a relationship with themselves because they don’t see their own value. “I don’t bring much to the table. I don’t have much to offer myself. Besides, I’m not worth it.”
And thus, they won’t make the effort. Or, they make a half-hearted effort. And they give up on themselves way too soon. That’s the problem. Luckily, I’ve got the answer!
Healing this resistance, this blockage, is a huge part of developing a healthy relationship with yourself. Here’s what you’re going to do:
You’re going to give birth to your own value.
First, you’re going to create a space inside; a mental space, an emotional space, a womb. Imagine, right now, that you are creating a womb inside. (Uh, and men, you can do this too!)
Imagine a womb inside. Maybe in your stomach area; maybe lower in your gut; wherever it feels right. Imagine a womb. You can create it right now, just by your intention.
And what are the walls of this womb? Glad you asked. The walls are made of love and will. Your love, and your will. Imagine a womb made of love and will. If you want to add anything else, of course you can. Maybe determination, trust, self-acceptance, or any of a hundred different energies. I would encourage you to let your imagination run wild… and trust your intuition… and add a few more energies.
Gratitude and trust work together especially well – just like love and will.
Create your womb inside, made of energies of your choosing. I would recommend not rushing this step too much. If you spent a day or two just focusing on creating a strong healthy womb, that would not be too much. Give it at least an hour. Meaning, you could focus on it ten minutes at a time, for six different times throughout the next day or so.
There’s no need to rush it. How many years has this already gone on? One more day isn’t going to make that much difference. On the other hand, don’t procrastinate either! Find the healthy balance.
A seed of value. Now where could we get a seed of value or a seed of mattering? Because, let’s face it – if emotional abuse is an issue in your life, then self esteem, self love, self worth, and personal value are probably also issues in your life. ‘Where is poor little me going to get a seed of value?’… says the ego.
Would it help if I said you have an endless of supply of value and mattering right now? And that you’re fighting hard – every single day – to keep that value and mattering locked away from yourself?
See, it’s not so much of, where can I get a seed of value or mattering? It’s more a question of, how in the world have I been able to stay separate from it for so long?
All you’ve got to do is make the womb. Then, as you go to sleep at night, ask for a seed of value or mattering to be placed into your womb. Believe me, it will be. Whether it comes from your higher self, your future self, your subconscious self, your soul, or some other part of you… maybe a guardian angel… maybe some other entity that’s been waiting for you to ask… believe me, it will be there.
Do this for three nights in a row. If you forget on the third night, start over and do it three new nights.
And then you’re pregnant. A seed of value or mattering has been placed inside you, in a space you’ve prepared for it. You’re pregnant with value. Or you’re pregnant with mattering. Feel the warmth. Feel the aliveness of it. Continue to nurture and love it. Work with it. Feed it every day with your intention and your focus. Let it take root and grow at its own pace. Let it come alive.
Unlike a real pregnancy, this seed will be more like a plant that grows bigger and stronger and eventually blossoms into your life.
Let this new seed be like an oasis… a place of safety… a source of inspiration and motivation. Let it be what it wants to be. What its destined to be. Let it grow. Let it be the beginning of a brand new relationship with yourself.
Remember, you are loved. You deserve to be loved. In a healthy way.
Feel the warmth. Let it be real.
This isn’t ‘the’ answer to an abusive relationship, but it’s a good start. It’s a good way to start getting stronger in yourself. I’ve seen this simple little technique work magic in a person’s life.
Of course, it helps to do other things too.
If you’d like to talk about any of this in private, then use the contact form and we’ll take it from there.
And remember, while there’s different reasons for not getting help with this, the number one reason is because you don’t think you’re worth it. That you don’t matter. A big part of what I do is help people find their worth, their value, and their mattering. This technique here is the tip of the iceberg in your healing process.
One final point: You don’t have to make it a seed of value or mattering. It could also be dignity, strength, worth or some other energy. Think carefully. What is the single most important energy you’ve been robbed of, or lost? Go with that one. Just one, to start. You can always come back later and do another one in a month or so.
Now, would you mind clicking one of the buttons below and help spread this message? Because I want as many people as possible to know you don’t have to put up with emotional abuse.